The work of being lonely

i’m so lonely.
‘God, I love you – I can’t wait to hang out’
‘We love you for your personality’
i can feel the warmth of the words
like a homeless person and a trashcan fire
separated two arms length
by the warmed flesh of others.

and now – right now – why the trembling fatigue of anger?

There is no welcome death – no avenue for fulfillment
the aspirations of youth have crumbled
the relief of being Wanted –
Thought after –
Hoped for –
Depended on –
desired

The barbed fence of love that separates id and ego
reminds me that my fulfillment means pain
and further distance from those i love most.

I’m so jealous. irrationally jealous.
Why you? Why do you deserve this?
how i love you – how i understand your failings –
how i pity
an ambling walk and a breakdown
an unnecessary masculinity
a lack of desire to understand
Why you? You have what I wanted.
what kept me anxious about the possibilities of the future
Why am i still so lonely?

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